Adoptive Parenting Prep Class

Well, this wasn't your typical parenting prep class! One prospective dad said he came in expecting to hear about diaper-changing, but as the presenter (a social worker who worked with addicted pregnant women before working for our agency) told us, we could learn that stuff from books, friends and family.

Sooo...what did we learn about? We started by hearing each other's stories. There was one prospective mom there who's even older than me! I made sure to chat with her during the first break; us middle-aged moms need to support each other!

Then we watched a film on "Adoption: Then and Now" and had to laugh at the 1950s-era informational film at the beginning.

Major things we learned:
How hard this is for birth mothers. I'd read about this in books but the video really brought it home. Several of the women interviewed were sure, even years later, that they made the right choice, but they loved their babies and missed them. The film included a couple of birth dads, one who said "I pray for my baby every night." These days, most birthparents in the US can have at least occasional contact if they want, which usually works out well for everyone. Some birthparents want only letters, others think no contact till the child is grown up is best, and others have occasional visits with the adoptive families, gettting to talk and play with their birth child.

The presenter strongly recommended that we contact birth parents only through the agency, at least till we're absolutely sure we can trust the birth parents. Some are immature or have problems that mean they can't behave in a way that allows security for the child and adoptive family. We're planning on sending letters and photos to the agency twice a year to go to the birth family, and if it seems safe for everyone and good for our child we'd like to have in-person visits, with the first one or two at the agency.

"What if the birthmom or dad wants their baby back?" you are thinking. Our agency is very careful about that. They won't let an adoptive family take a baby home till (a)both parents have signed relinquishment papers and (b)the birthparent's (usually just the mom) social worker is sure she won't change her mind. If they have doubts, the baby stays with a foster family till the relinquishment period (30 days in Maryland!) is over, then the chosen adoptive family takes their baby home. The parent can't get the baby back unless something is done wrong legally, and the agency's very careful about those matters (Yes, they have an attorney on their staff).

This way seems much better for everyone than the old one. Adoptive families, including the child, can know a lot not just about the birthparents' medical history, but their personalities and interests (things adopted kids really want to know as they get older) and sometimes have contact with them. The birthparents aren't pushed to forget their child forever and can learn how their birth-child is doing. Kids are brought up knowing about being adopted. (My friend's little girl learned at age 2 when her mom explained that she was getting a baby brother who was coming on an airplane from Korea, just like she did.) I'm glad we'll be able to tell our child some things about his or her birth family. Also, we can show them the album we made (which many of you have seen) and say "this is what your mom used to pick us to be your forever parents" and keep track of the adoption story from our first decisions--one reason I'm writing this blog!

The agency is available to help all the way--they have several groups for adoptive parents all the way through the teenage years, not to mention a zillion workshops on everything from communicating with birth parents to dealing with drug withdrawal. Most drugs do not cause permanent damage (though weaning a baby who's been bored addicted is harrowing). Alcohol is the worst--even one drinking binge can cause terrible permanent damage. We've been really conservative about how much alcohol we're willing for the birth mother to have had.

We also talked about bonding--extremely important for adopted babies so they quickly learn to trust their adopted parents and to feel safe and loved.

And we did an exercise, watched a video and talked a lot about transracial adoption. Not an easy decision. It's not enough to "just love" a child as transracial kids have even more identity issues than adopted kids of the same ethnic group as their parents, who have more identity issues than bio kids (and we know how bio kids are about identity, especially as teenagers!)

So, a lot to learn and think about. Fortunately, we got to make comments and ask questions a lot. The presenter gave Ken & I the name of another agency person with connections with county governments to see if our very-long-delayed child-protective-services clearance can be speeded up.

Being with other future adoptive parents was great--we had some things in common (being older like the one couple, not having any kids yet like most others) and some that were different (five prospective parents had been adopted themselves--one transracially).

And the presenter recommended that we keep a blog about our journey, so our child can learn about it when he or she is old enough. That encouraged me to write this--for all of you and for our future child (or children if we get twins!) as well.

Next Tuesday, we learn about Outreach--ways we can directly look for possible birthparents if we want to. Stay Tuned!